So, my lovely cousin Stephanie had a dream that I was pregnant. This dream occurred the same week that “Aunt Flo” was a little late with her monthly visit, so I got a little nervous. After my run last night, I decided to swing by Safeway and pick up a pregnancy test. I would hate to accidentally eat sushi or go to the tanning bad if I was cooking a little bun in the oven.
So, I head to the “Family Planning” aisle and hope to be out of the store in 2 minutes. Instead, I was greeted with this little sign:
PREGNANCY TESTS ARE AVAILABLE AT CUSTOMER SERVICE
Are you kidding me? I’m aware that I’m almost 28 and married, so buying a pregnancy test should not be a big deal. However, something about it makes me feel like a 16-year-old girl who could potentially be knocked up and doesn’t want anyone to see her buying a test. In other words, mortifying. I’m aware that it’s weird.
I considered just skipping out the store and coming to my own conclusion in a few months if I got fat. However, I decided to put my big girl pants on. I mean, really, if I could potentially be a mother, I would have to get used to a life of embarrassment, right?
I begrudgingly headed up to customer service and was of course greeted with an empty desk. A cashier spotted me and asked if I needed any help. And yes, you probably guessed it-he was male. Since he was a few registers away, I walked a little closer and quietly said, “I need to get a pregnancy test.” I’m sure his not so quiet answer of, “Sure! A pregnancy test! I’ll be right over” was heard by half the store.
Once he was behind the counter, he was all, “What kind would you like? We have EPT-this one has 2 sticks! Or the Safeway brand-it’s 2 dollars cheaper!”
“Um, EPT is fine,” I replied as I could feel my face burning red.
I follow him back to his register, where of course there is a line. He holds the pregnancy test up and says, “Will this be all?” I’m sure everyone in line was staring at my stomach.
He rang up my purchase and headed it back to me. How about a bag there, buddy? I’m walking home and don’t typically flash an EPT pack to my neighbors.
I basically sprinted out of the store.
Turns out, the test was negative. I, however, am still mortified. And switching grocery stores.