When we found out we were pregnant, the most common thing I heard was, “the instant you lay your eyes on that baby, you will just fall in love.”
If I am being perfectly honest, that didn’t exactly happen for me. I think my first thoughts were, “I am exhausted” and “Can I eat now?” All kidding aside, I actually did cry when they handed Carson to me for the first time. I was so relieved to finally hold him in my arms and know that we had a healthy baby. Plus, he was pretty darn cute.
But the next three months weren’t exactly like I imagined they would be. I love sleep and I wasn’t getting any, I was in serious pain from labor and my body wasn’t exactly something I wanted to parade around in a bathing suit and it was the beginning of summer. Add to that list a whopping case of the baby blues and I was a MESS. I was also slightly terrified of this little human that I was in charge of. When Nick went back to work, I counted down the hours until he came home at night and I could hand Carson over. Luckily, my husband recognized that the baby blues were lasting a little longer than normal and marched me back to the doctor.
And somewhere along the way, my confidence just started to build. I learned what made him cry, when he needed to eat, what type of schedule made him happy and when he needed to be held. Little by little, I wasn’t as overwhelmed or as stressed about being alone with him during the day. And one day, things just seemed to click. I knew him better than anyone else and what he needed and I found myself thinking “maybe I can do this.”
And one day, it just hit me that I loved this little human with everything I had. I loved spending my days with him, watching him learn, smile and laugh. Not to say we still didn’t have some trying times, but I knew I could handle it. Plus, I was starting to get some sleep!!
It’s different for everyone and it wasn’t instant mad love for me. Will some people think that’s terrible to say about my child? Probably, but I don’t think so. I think we needed some time to figure each other out and that’s okay.
It might have taken me a while to feel like one, but being a Mom is fantastic. Carson, thank you for turning me into a Mommy. Your Daddy says that you are turning into a Mama’s boy and I always just smile and say, “we can’t help that we love each other.”