This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. After having a child, I never dreamed that we would have problems having baby #2, but the past 18 months have been the most emotionally draining of my life.
Here’s a little recap. When Carson turned 1, we decided we would go off birth control at the end of the summer and start trying for baby #2. We wanted them to be close in age….I constantly told Nick I wanted them to be about two and a half to three years apart, but no older. Funny how things work when we have a grand plan, right?
I didn’t get my depo shot in August and when I finally started my period in November, I had migraines that lasted for two solid weeks. This went on through January and I seriously thought I wouldn’t survive if the pattern continued. Luckily, the migraines stopped, but then we learned we were pregnant and having a miscarriage in the same day. That was in March and when I still had not started my period again over the summer, my doctor induced one to try and get my body back on track. I had to do several rounds of that and in November, I started my first round of Clomid. This started to work because I finally started my period on my own (right before boarding a 16 hour flight home from Dubai. Amazing timing). After 3 rounds, Dr. B bumped my dosage up to 100 mg, which I’ve done for 3 cycles. This seemed like we were on the right track as I was finally ovulating. Must be time to get pregnant-wrong!
We were getting Carson ready for bed in March and I went to the bathroom and realized I had started and just broke down crying. The hysterical, sobbing, couldn’t speak type of crying. I think all the emotion of the past year just finally hit me at once. I did feel much better after getting that out.
Two weeks ago, I was in the shower getting ready for work and had a doctor’s appointment scheduled that afternoon for an ultrasound to check for eggs. I was worn down, exhausted mentally, tired of being poked, and didn’t want to face another month of hope, only to be let down. I just prayed that if we weren’t supposed to continue on this path, that God would show me a sign. Be careful what you wish for, right?
I saw a different doctor that day as mine was on her honeymoon. She recommended giving my body a break for 2-3 months and then starting back if nothing happened. Well, if that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what else he was trying to tell me.
I’ll be honest. Although I felt like it was clearly the right thing to do, a part of me resisted stopping everything. There is always that voice in the back of my mind that says, “maybe this month.” On day 21 of the cycle, I get blood work to test my progesterone levels, which were in the 20’s and 30’s the past two cycle. This month, it was eight. EIGHT. We talked and agreed that we wouldn’t do anything this month. We are both just mentally exhausted..doctor’s appointments, counting days, and the heartbreak that comes when you aren’t pregnant is just overwhelming.
I’m incredibly lucky to have a healthy child and I understand completely when people remind me of that. However, it doesn’t stop the heartache from wanting another child. I know people offer those words to try and offer some comfort, but it makes me feel like I don’t have a right to be sad. I literally ache at the sight of a newborn or when I see a pregnancy announcement. It’s like a constant grief following me around that I don’t know how to escape. Believe me, I try to not let myself think about it, but those thoughts constantly creep into my head. It’s been a constant ferris wheel of emotions.
I’ll be honest, it’s made me struggle spiritually. I’ve been mad at God. Mad that it comes so easily for others or that so many that don’t want children seem to mass produce them. This morning, I realized that I’ve been pushing off my Bible study because I haven’t wanted to face my anger, so I picked up a devotional that Kayla gave me recently. I’m not saying that I instantly turned it around, but I’m hoping it’s a step in the right direction.
I’ve tried to “dig deep” and see what I’ve learned from this and honestly, I think it’s taught me more compassion. If facing someone in a similar situation, I probably would have offered “comfort” in the form of “God has a plan” or something similar and cliche. Now, I hope I would say that I’m sorry for their grief and offer more sincere, personal words. This struck me as I was reading Job recently and my Bible notes talked about listening when others are suffering and not offering meaningless words.
We don’t know where we go from here. I’m hoping to pray, pray, pray over the next two months and see where we are. We’ve began to research adoption and get a grasp on what that entails, which is another overwhelming adventure.
If you’re still reading, congratulations for hanging in there! My husband probably didn’t make it past the second paragraph, but hey, he’s lived it and gets a pass. When I read about National Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to put a little more of our story out there. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility, but when you are going through it, it feels like you are alone in a crowd of millions (all pregnant of course, lol). As I know the loneliness and pain that infertility causes, I hope that by speaking up, another woman might not feel so alone. Trust me, this isn’t something that is easy to talk about and I can count the number of people on one hand that I go into detail with.
My prayer is that we will be able to have another baby. At the moment, I’m praying for peace about going off the medicine and a clear answer to what our next steps should be.
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14